Still So Much I Do Not Know

The days roll on

and I wonder at their meaning

 

why are we here?

what are we all doing?

 

in this vast disconnection,

this fragmentation from ourselves…

 

I wonder about the journey home.

I wonder if I am home.

 

Did I originate in the stars?

have I seen other universes

and I just don’t remember?

 

for some reason

incarnating in this

space and time?

 

Perhaps I do not know it.

Perhaps I am home.

 

I wonder if I have created God,

or if God created me…

 

I suppose it does not matter

because I am sitting in the womb of all.

I am alive.

very much alive,

Breathing.

 

I am the breath.

matter

and spirit

combined.

 

I hear

the dancing sounds

of the rain

pitter patter

 

I see the naked trees,

the frothy cover of wintertime.

Explorations in Other Realities

I wish to reflect on a phenomenon I experience which is similar to astral projection.  I plan on writing another blog post in the near future about my astral projection experiences, however, these experiences revolve around projecting into other realities, as physical, and as “real” as our own.

We are surrounded by a myriad of realities, the endless possibilities, of timelines and choices and alternatives created by the infinite consciousness.  Even without any sort of direct projection experience, I usually sense these realities just on the edge of our own.  At twilight, especially, I can feel the glimpses of other worlds, just beyond our limited sensory perception.  With the use of plant medicines and other mind altering substances, many people begin to perceive these possibilities.  As the limited perception we usually live our lives in begins to fall, we begin to notice that reality is in fact pliable.

It begins similarly to an astral projection experience.  I typically meditate, either before bed or in the mornings, and fall into some state of unconsciousness.  When I become lucid, I find myself in an alternative version of reality, another version of my apartment, typically similar (though not always) with some details changed, or entirely different altogether.  Sometimes, all I get is a glimpse, though these glimpses are occurring with increased frequency.  I may see what looks almost like a photograph in my mind of one part of my apartment.  But the decorations are different.  There’s another life that’s being lived inside those walls.

However, I have also had experiences projecting into realities very different from ours.  I intend to use this post to catalog and share those experiences.  In many of them, I am experiencing different versions of my own life, however, that is not always the case.

What separates these experiences from lucid dreaming is the sheer physicality of these experiences.  Especially now, as I’m becoming more and more awake to them, I usually go crazy looking around, touching objects, investigating everything when I’m within them.

But I will say, sometimes there is overlap between the dream world and these worlds.  At times, I find myself in a dream and then project into another reality, or vice versa.  So, I think that these planes intersect and intertwine with the dream and astral/imaginative planes in ways I don’t understand.  I’m sure they are somehow linked to other dimensions as well.

Additionally, another difference is that these experiences can create closed eye “impressions”.  For example, I will be unconscious and than suddenly receive an “impression” that is like a 3D photo.  I am somewhere between being inside of it and glimpsing into it, and usually when I become conscious, the impression begins to fade and I return to my body.  But they leave these very “real”, uncanny sensations to them.  They are not like simply receiving a vision or an insight.  It feels like I’m literally getting a glimpse into…somewhere!

Here we go!

Momento of Alternative Massage Therapy Class

Apartment almost identical to my own, however, on my window I find a card that has a photo and several names attached to it.  They were names I did not recognize, and they had come from a group of classmates who graduated with me from a massage therapy program “I” never attended.

World of the Flying Rays

In one experience, I became lucid in my bed and then looked out the window.  Most of the outside looked the same, except that there were great, sting-ray like beings flying in the sky.  They were beautiful – blue colored, their wings like magnificent kites.

The 19th Century Apartment

I woke up in one version of my apartment that was all dark, hard woods, with old built in cabinets and a fireplace.

“European” World

Walking around a city, on what is, in our reality, US territory, however, this culture had distinctly European features and people.  When I talked to the people there, they told me that this reality had developed differently than our own, due to some sort of catastrophe in the late 1800’s.  The US as we know it did not exist.

Saloon

Closed eye visual, or impression, of a old-fashioned, western style saloon that opened up in my bedroom.

Friend with Leg Injury

I became lucid in an reality where I was hanging out with one of my friends from this reality.  However, she had a cast on her leg and was walking into my bedroom with a cane.  I asked her how she injured her leg and she replied, “Stop being silly, you know how I did it.” She’s never injured her leg in this reality.  I freaked out realizing I was in another timeline.

Kansas

Woke up in an apartment with several roommates.  As I looked outside, I saw we lived in a very rural area – pristine, beautiful.  My roommates began to talk to me and I was asking them about my life.  They said that we were all working together on a sustainable farm that was owned by another one of my friends.  They said we were in Kansas, and that I had gone there in college to study agriculture.  That was where we had all met.

Messages from Friends, Loved Ones

I’ve had several experiences of having text or internet conversations with friends from this reality that “I” have never received.

The Faceless Friend

This experience may have been proceeded by several other events, but all I remember is being in a car with several male friends.  There was one who had bandages over much of his face.  He had a chronic illness and knew he would soon pass.  I remember holding him, and the love I felt for him.

Alternative Harry Potter Book

This one I just got a kick out of.  I saw a Harry Potter book that J.K Rowling wrote in another reality about Harry Potter’s Christmas adventures at Hogwarts.

Landscapes

I’ve had several experiences projecting into versions of reality where I know I am somewhere I lived or been in this reality but the landscape is very different.  For example, I had one of projecting in my hometown, Fitchburg, MA and it looked like something out of 15th Century Spain.

Houses

Strangely, many of the fleeting glimpses I’ve received of other realities have just been fragments of houses and other spaces.  For example, someone’s potted plant, a scientific microscope, wooden ceilings, mirrors, very mundane.

The Warring City

I began in a dark, almost post-apocalyptic city as part of an underground gang.  There were several feuding gangs in this underground, who were all involved in psychic/spiritual warfare.  After experiencing myself die in a gang war I incarnated again as an investigator, attempting to understand and mitigate the gang war.  There were several events that had a hyper realistic quality.  I remember eating there.  I remember the small, run-down apartments and even sleeping on a couch.  I remember walking through a very impoverished part of the city and seeing the crates where the homeless slept and left their things: a half-eaten carton of eggs, a plastic bag on the ground, all hauntingly vivid.  I would typically categorize this one as a very interesting dream however, I include it here because of the sheer physicality of the experience.

 

If you have similar projection/out of body/other worldly experiences I’d love to hear from you.  Please feel free to contact me via the contact form on this website.

 

 

My First Experiences With Psychedelics

Hello all,

I’ve felt guided recently to talk about my experiences with psychedelics – what I learned, what I saw, and what I gained.  For me, using psychedelics was primarily a medicinal and spiritual experience.  My spiritual healing path had begun in ardor about a year before, after I had been in a profoundly spiritual relationship that “opened the door” so to say.  I felt that I’d had enough experience with meditation at that point to handle whatever might come up – the good and the bad.  I’d had previous opportunities to try psychedelics, but I’d never felt ready.

It was important for me to feel comfortable and understand what I was going to experience before I went into it.  I had decided on LSD based on the recommendations of several people I trusted.  The first time I tried LSD, I was very conservative about the dosage – because I wanted to get a gauge of how it would affect me.  Trying a half tab of LSD was about the equivalent of what I’d experienced after a very deep meditation.  I knew then that taking more was going to get bring me to an awareness I’d never experienced before.

For my second experience, I was with my partner at the time and felt very comfortable.  I tried one tab, but didn’t feel much.  I then proceeded to take a second tab, and several hours later, went on to have another.

I ended up “being gone” for almost 24 hours.

I always begin by meditating to put myself in a deep state of observance and connection.  The first thing I noticed was an increase in the sharpness and vividness of images I was seeing.  I am primarily visual in meditation as is, but with the medicine I noticed the images became more “3D.” Sometimes, in regular meditation, the images seem like they’re coming through a weak signal: quick flashes of places, people or things, that are not always clear.  All of a sudden it seemed like these visions were right in front of me.  When I opened my eyes, I noticed a wide array of patterns on my ceiling.  It was like pyramids and faces and aspects of consciousness were drawn upon my walls.  And with all of it came a sense of lightness: it was all giddy and amusing.

My partner led me to the window and when I looked at the trees outside, I saw the most amazing patterns within them.  There were structures and people and all kinds of shapes woven into the moving of the trees.  I had a profound sense that this was, in fact, “true seeing” – that these patterns and this divine artwork is in fact always there.  It was simply marvelous just to look at the trees, at the amazing consciousness that was woven within them.  I felt surrounded, engulfed by the divine presence.

Then something very interesting began to happen.  I went to use the restroom and my partner was talking to me.  I began to notice that the conversation was no longer linear.  I was familiar with the theory of timelines, and something within me always knew it was true.  I believed that there were many versions of us, across many multidimensional facets of expression.  But now I was experiencing it, as my partner spoke to me, there were several conversations going on.  One moment, he was asking me a simple question, the next, he was going on about some deep philosophical topic, the next moment he was asking me if I wanted to take a shower, the next moment he was asking me if I was okay.

You would think at this point I would be terrified, and if I didn’t have a spiritual background, I probably would have been.  But I was filled with laughter and joy because my spirit understood very quickly that I was speaking to my partner across time and space.  I was experiencing many versions of him, all intersecting at once.  There were in fact, many of him speaking to me, and there were many conversations we were having.

“I think I’m experiencing different timelines!” I remember saying to him with glee.

I do not know how long I spent simply enjoying this realization.  We laid together on my bed and continued speaking.  Now that I was aware what was happening, the changes were becoming more apparent – and not only were we having multiple conversations, there were multiple versions of him appearing to me.  I stared at his face and watched as one moment he was laughing, and then crying, and then thoughtful.  Sometimes, the color and length of his hair would change.  In one expression his hair became very red, then changed back to its usual brown.  It was a surreal experience, to see the tears coming down his cheeks, go to comfort him and wipe them away, and then watch them disappear before my eyes.  He would become concerned, and then intellectual, be very worried about me being okay – and then nonchalant.  I could not tell which version of him was the “ground” version so to say.

“Is that you?” “Is that you?” I kept saying.  “Do you remember the last conversation we just had?”

Not only was it him flashing before my eyes, but there were other energies, and other aspects, that moved through the fold.  I was able to sense intuitively when it was another energy passing through his body.

“Ask me three questions, and I will answer them fully.”

“Who are you?” I said.

“My name is Truth,” the entity said.  “Whatever you desire to know, I may answer.”

But before I had a chance, the energies moved into another expression.  At times, the conversations were going so quickly, I couldn’t do much but observe.

At one point, my partner’s body became entirely dark, and was tattooed with various golden symbols that were imbued with a profound meaning.  Visions and epiphanies would come to my mind instantly.  When I saw this expression of my partner, I was aware this was a higher dimensional version of himself.  This being was beautiful.  He showed me his true grand body in space.  He showed me that each tattoo was an entrance into another reality, another universe held in his fold.

I also had several epiphanies and visions related to the nature of the universe.  I understood immediately, and also saw visually, that the universe is a game of perspective.  I understood that I am a fractal within myself within myself, enfolding like a Russian doll onto eternity.  I was also given the visual of a complex telescope, much like an eye exam machine, where there were various optical perspectives and choices.  One could simply move the lens, and have an entirely different experience.  Moving between the dimensions is much like moving the lens.

I experimented with channeling Reiki energy through my hands and the energy was very physical.  It contorted and twisted my fingers as my body freely moved in accordance with the energy.  I also played with Light Language and saw the structures of consciousness the universal tongue was creating.  I saw visuals of a great stadium being built, and a dragon forming and spiraling and rising.  I understood then that Light Language is related to the power of creation.

I was in this state for some time before I returned to linear reality.  Once I was grounded back in this space-time, me and my partner took a walk outside.  The colors of the sky and trees were amazingly vivid.  Everyone we passed on the street seemed familiar somehow – gazing in the window at the shops of Hudson’s Main Street, all the objects we saw seemed embedded with a profound meaning.

It was like experiencing synchronicity ten fold.

Watching a river was beautiful, even the insects flying in the air had a wondrous harmony.  I was able to perceive the rhythmic way that they moved.  I felt profoundly sensitive to all phenomena.  It was like the separation between me and the physical world was removed.  In general, I would describe my experiences with psychedelics in this way: the veil is dropped.  The illusion of separation created by the ego simply goes away.  One feels a profound bliss in their body, a vivid, sensual joy at mere existence, at simply “being”.

When we returned to my apartment, the final stage of my first experience occurred: purging.  Out of nowhere, I felt very tired, and very ill, as if I could vomit.  I knew it was not necessarily physical, but energetic.  There was something trying to move through me, and out of me.  I returned to my bed and began to meditate, and the tears began.

Really, I had already been crying for hours.  I had laughed and cried with abandon during the whole of the experience.  But now I was crying with release.  Something was reaching into my depths, something was moving my old “crap” out.

There was so much guilt, and so much shame.  My obsessive thinking and anxiety came immediately to the surface.  With it came a profound visionary experience.  I was seeing a series of broken, fragmented images: broken skulls and dead bodies.  I was relating this all to my partner, and he guided me through the experience.

I was seeing battles, and the carnage of battle, knowing this was the battle within myself.  Veronica pitted against Veronica, sword against sword.  I had waged war against myself, forced myself forward, viciously fought against my own weakness.  This was the war within my mind, and it was going nowhere.  I began to walk among the carnage, the distortion, the death….and I saw a small doll that was tied to a post.  A great being slowly unbound the doll and took it into her arms.

The doll was me.

But I was also this great being, this goliath that had appeared before me.  She was an armored leviathan with Anubian features (jackal headed, dark), and a strong, quiet grace.  She was covered in gold symbols – and she was so, so powerful.  She was holding me.

I was holding myself.

I realized the doll represented all the bondage I had felt, and now I was free – I loved myself – I loved myself so much in that moment.  And I saw myself begin to move in a dark world covered in bones and skulls.  It was the world of the dead – and I was wearing a dark cloak, carrying a solitary lantern.

“What do you do in the world in the dead?  Give your guide a coin.”

My partner guided me with such love and compassion through these moments.  I spent some time in the land of the dead.  Then I began to notice that behind me, the skeletons had begun to reanimate.  They were given life again, and were following like a new found army.  They were dancing with joy and liberation.

I watched as the newly born skeletons danced their way to an Asian landscape.  There were great mountains all around and they approached a temple.  When the door opened, a white dancing being greeted them and me.  This being had a Cambodian-like crown upon his head.  He was adorned with jewels and a smiling face, and he was full of zest.  I knew somehow in my heart that he was me as well.

The dancing figure and the Anubian guard came together.  They showed me the nature of my being.  The Anubian guard stood on the left, and the Dancer stood at the right.  Like a deck of cards unfolding, or a series of photos passed back to back, I saw and understood that I was only one Veronica among many.  I was one photo in the great deck, and these beings were higher versions of myself, keepers of the many emanations.

My partner called these beings the Heralds.  The name that I received from them was the Gatekeepers.  I am not sure how they relate to the higher self or the oversoul, but I had the feeling they were the part of me directly “above” all my physical incarnations.  Perhaps in this sense they could be synonymous with the oversoul, but I suppose the terminology doesn’t matter.

When I eventually returned to this reality, my mind was clear.  My skin glowed and appeared more youthful for some time.  I felt an overall decrease in anxiety and a sense of connection.  I was calm and grounded.

It was deeply healing for me to experience such a connection with the source and with the power of my own creativity.  It confirmed many things for me but over time has helped permanently ease a lot of suffering and pain.  It felt much like going “home” again.

 

 

 

 

Taking Flight

In his eyes

I find

my horizon,

the truths that linger

between seen and unseen

 

I find him in the setting sun

when the world

rises into another

 

there are other places

awaiting in the apex

of dreams

this world – a dream

as any other

 

when I walk by the water I feel the all pervading presence

I am one with the eternal being,

and he is there beside me, one with me

inside me,

in his eyes I find

I awaken

 

the waters tremble and give way to new realities

I am more myself

than I have ever been,

free in his arms

liberated in his embrace

I am one with the all pervading sum,

equations

and truths are born inside of me,

the plants of his seed give way

to new life

 

I am made in his breath,

taking flight.

Candid Thoughts on Being a Medium

bridge-daylight-environment-775201

 

It took me a while to accept that I was a medium.  I had a stereotypical picture in my mind of what being a medium was.  I didn’t hear the voices of the dead when I was in a grocery store, or speak to anyone’s deceased grandma and grandpa.

We have all mediumship abilities.  We all have psychic abilities.  I believe that the true state of humanity is one of subtle and energetic awareness.  Everyone is capable of opening and connecting with these pathways.  For some of us, it takes more work.  Many go through some sort of spiritual awakening process.  But everyone carries the seed.  The potential is inside each of us, like a plant just waiting for soil and sun.

Mediums are often thought of communicating with the dead, and that can certainly be an aspect of it.  For me, mediumship means I receive communication from aspects of consciousness that aren’t visible to the human eye.  It could be the recently deceased, but it could also be from other dimensions, life forms in other time spaces, future you’s, future me’s, higher selves, spirit guides, other beings or the universe itself.

Perhaps a more appropriate word is a channel, or a bridge between the physical world and the unseen.

Of course, it is an illusion that such a bridge is needed.  In reality, we are all already one.  But I recognize the need for some terminologies in an illusion of separation.  We are playing a game of consciousness and perception with one another.

Often times, when I am speaking with other people, I receive information about them beyond what I’d be able to gauge with only the five senses.  I am able to see, or I am shown, the energies around them and their situations.  I get intuitive, “gut” feelings, about what might help them, or how to clear what’s blocking them.  I am also sensitive to energetic shifts in the collective.  During major times of transition, I can pick up what’s happening in the universe at large.  I often receive visions, or intuitive knowings, about the changes coming about for the collective.  Sometimes, these transitions can be quite dense, other times, they are exciting and refreshing.  Other times, I get uncanny sensations, difficult to “put a finger on” that we’ve made a major timeline shift, or shift in perspective.

At times, this awareness can be overwhelming.  There are many people with psychic abilities who attempt to numb out, or ground themselves, with addictions and substances.  I’ve had to learn to take care of myself.  This is one of the bittersweet aspects of being sensitive to energy.  If I don’t take time for self care, I can easily get pulled down by other’s peoples energies, difficulties, and constructs.  I am often most comfortable on my own, though I certainly have an extroverted side, too.  I am still learning how to make good boundaries, maintain a healthy regimen, and keep myself in a strong, stable vibration.  I believe that what a medium, or a sensitive, perceives, is connected with their own state of consciousness.  When I am vibrating high (feeling happy, healthy, secure, and one with the universe) I am more apt to see the strength, resilience, and utter miracle in every human I meet.  I find I am able to act as a clear conduit, and energies pass right through me.  But if I am going through something, shifting, releasing, having a dark night of the soul (which is part of the healing, or ascension process), what I see reflected back to me is much denser.  People’s stuff can “stick” onto me, and if I’m not doing well, this entanglement can last several days.  I try not think of this as either a “negative” or “positive” thing, though I’ve certainly had my struggles with it.  It simply is, and I’ve done my best to respect, love, and honor it.

When I meditate, I regularly encounter beings, energies, and intelligent consciousnesses from the subtle realms and higher dimensions.  Sometimes, they come so clear to me it’s like watching HDTV.  Recently, I had a vision of Krishna that was like seeing him in front of me.  He had beautiful, sparking skin and a radiant, joyous smile.  Other times, the visions are less clear.  They can come to me in black and white, or almost as if they are over a cloudy signal.  I also receive information that’s typically thought of as originating in the Akashic Record, or the theoretical “library of the universe”.  I am able to connect with past lives, or you might say “past” and “future” selves (I put these terms in parenthesis because past and future do not really exist.  Everything is happening concurrently in a now moment).  If I meditate on a person, I am able to see their past incarnations as well, which typically is relevant to their healing process.

I can be influenced by other people’s thoughts, patterns, and perceptions, sometimes without my awareness.  I’ve gotten better at being able to tell whether it’s truly me, or the person at the other end of the cord.  You see, when two people form a relationship, they form energetic cords with each other, and when you are sensitive, you can feel the other person “tugging the cord”.  For example, you may have an ex partner thinking about reaching out to you and rekindling a relationship.  You may not have any knowledge of this in the physical, but you start to think of them too, and may even start to think of reaching out to them as a consequence of their own thought-processes.

Trippy, huh?

I think that the universe is trippy, but really, it’s not just “mediums” or “sensitives” or “empaths” that are affected by these energies.  I’ve met and encountered some mediums and psychics that think they’re better than other people just because they have these abilities.  Realistically, everyone is affected by energy, and everyone is tapped into it.  Whether we know it or not, we are all bound in the vast internet of information that creates and sustains the universe.  I used to think I was crazy.  Hell, sometimes I still think I’m crazy.  But I want people to know that life is far more than the physical.  Our minds have the incredible, and seemingly inexplicable, ability to exist across multiple layers of creation and perception.

 

 

 

 

 

How Meditation Changed My Life

aquatic-aquatic-plant-beautiful-1129382 (1)

 

There was something about loosing the crutch of education, the crutch of structure, that rattled me to the core after graduating from college.  I no longer had a place to direct my mind, my thoughts. No distractions.  There was no longer homework to stress over, papers, finals. I was alone – all alone, with my mind for the first time in my life.

Working life was wholly dissatisfying.  I was working a temp job data entry, paid twelve dollars an hour for monotonous, robotic labor.  I spent my weekends winding down from the forty hour work week, never feeling quite recovered, feeling like I was like gaining just enough energy to do it all again.  I was beginning to see that my relationship with my partner was not an entirely healthy one.  We fought constantly, and our apartment became the center of our emotional melodrama.

All the while, my psychic abilities were opening up.

I’d always known I was empathic, able to feel and discern the emotions of others.  But deeper senses were unraveling.  I was becoming aware of my ability to see the things that people tried to hide.  When they spoke to me, it was like their energy drew lines around their pain, their trauma, their unspoken wounds. It was like watching a spiritual Sketch-O-Matic in motion.  At first, I didn’t understand why I was seeing it.  I became aware of the shadows, the silent darkness in everyone.  It became difficult at times to go out or spend time with others.  I tried to numb myself, with food, with relationships.  Even the lightest conversation became fraught with this shadow energy.

I became depressed.  The world seemed bogged down with a weight and cloudiness like I’d never known before.  The truth was, I didn’t know who I was anymore.  My education had always provided a means of understanding myself.  Now, all that was gone.  Life seemed bereft of true meaning.  How did people go on, wake up every morning, when they worked meaningless jobs just to survive?  I had grown up in a largely working class city, and I knew the difficulties that people around me faced.  It felt like the forces of the world I had learned about in college – institutionalized oppression, classism, racism, just to name a few, were impossible to challenge or overcome.

I knew I had to start taking care of myself.  I’d studied Tibetan Buddhist philosophy and meditation during my time at Smith College, and even went abroad to Sarnath, India, to deepen my study.  Yet for all my intellectual understanding and interest in Buddhist philosophy and meditation, I’d never been able to develop a consistent practice. It took becoming so lost, so deep within myself, to reach out.  

At first, meditation was uncomfortable.  I started with 10 to 20 minutes a day.  If I meditated without guidance, I often felt fear and anxiety surface in my consciousness.  Sometimes, I’d literally jump in my seat.  I understand, now, that this was a reflection of my own mind.  I lived in constant fear, and constant anxiety of where I was going.  So I turned to guided meditations, which helped direct my thoughts more positively.  When I began to see the way that I could soothe my battered mind, I used guided sleep meditations to help me fall asleep on the nights that anxiety kept me up.  Soon enough, I was able to have more peaceful, self-guided meditations.

It wasn’t long after I began, that I had my first vision.  I was lying on my couch, listening to binaural beats for meditation.  I fell into an unconscious state, one between waking and dreaming. I was lying on my couch, just as I was in the physical world.  There was something very large, and very loud, approaching my apartment.  A plane was able to collide with the building.  I would most certainly die.  But the craziest thing was that I wasn’t afraid.  Everything was destroyed in slow-motion.  The building fell and burst into flames.  I witnessed my body disintegrate in a matter of seconds.

But I was still there.  My body was gone, but my consciousness was still there –  vibrant, strong, resilient, and eternal, and full of peace.  I was so beautiful, and so strong above the flames. I felt such a wave of knowing relief.  I would never die.  Even if my body passed, my consciousness was forever.

 

“The embodied soul is eternal in existence, indestructible, and infinite…” – Krishna, the Bhagavad Gita

 

Slowly, the world seemed full of possibility.  Not only was I eternal, powerful, and worthy, and so was every soul around me, too.

I began to find my strength again, my will to live.  I began to search for a sense of purpose. I wanted to help others heal.  I realized that my abilities were never intended to cause me pain, but rather to wake me up.