Limitless

I am limitless.

I am infinite potential.

I am one with the all encompassing creator.

I am one with all beings, one with all creation—one with the limitless expanse of space.

I AM

wondrous.

Beauty.

I am

experiencing myself in six billion pieces.

I am

the fractals, dancing in consciousness

I am the material world.

I am the body – the universe of the body.

I am every organ, every tissue, bone and blood.

I am nothing.  I am space.  I am the SILENCE

the Silence that pervades in all things.

There is no separation

between me and the infinite,

I draw all to me in limitless expanse.

I am

the stars, the galaxies, the implosions

the pulse and the rhythms of the dance:

 

Shiva

crossing my mind, crossing my heart

dear beloved, he comes

in the ashes of before:

dance, dance

across my heart, dear beloved,

come evermore, into the expanse…

 

I am the rose.  I am the lark,

I am the warrior, the sword, the spear…

I am all time, I am all places—all things,

I am one with the limitless expanse.

 

Invincible, indestructible, flowing with all creation—

all knowledge, all time, all beings

all expressions—

the moon, the sky, the rose, the lark

singing in the glory of my heart—

Hallelujah, infinite

spire.

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The Giants and the Stars

She asked herself

if it was possible

to love unconditionally,

to gather herself up from the many winds

 

she wondered what it would be like

to feel whole again

to collect the pieces from all the people she had ever been

 

she looked in the mirror

and she wasn’t sure

if she’d ever know herself –

even if she could imagine, even if she could recall

her every form

 

she loved them back

from the battles

called them back from the horror

willed them back

from the places they’d been caught

 

could she look honestly

at every mistake,

every dream and every triumph?

The phantoms, the illusions

the cloaks and the daggers

still waiting for her in the dark?

 

The mighty embers –

the dreams of what could be,

the giants and the stars?

How Meditation Changed My Life

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There was something about loosing the crutch of education, the crutch of structure, that rattled me to the core after graduating from college.  I no longer had a place to direct my mind, my thoughts. No distractions.  There was no longer homework to stress over, papers, finals. I was alone – all alone, with my mind for the first time in my life.

Working life was wholly dissatisfying.  I was working a temp job data entry, paid twelve dollars an hour for monotonous, robotic labor.  I spent my weekends winding down from the forty hour work week, never feeling quite recovered, feeling like I was like gaining just enough energy to do it all again.  I was beginning to see that my relationship with my partner was not an entirely healthy one.  We fought constantly, and our apartment became the center of our emotional melodrama.

All the while, my psychic abilities were opening up.

I’d always known I was empathic, able to feel and discern the emotions of others.  But deeper senses were unraveling.  I was becoming aware of my ability to see the things that people tried to hide.  When they spoke to me, it was like their energy drew lines around their pain, their trauma, their unspoken wounds. It was like watching a spiritual Sketch-O-Matic in motion.  At first, I didn’t understand why I was seeing it.  I became aware of the shadows, the silent darkness in everyone.  It became difficult at times to go out or spend time with others.  I tried to numb myself, with food, with relationships.  Even the lightest conversation became fraught with this shadow energy.

I became depressed.  The world seemed bogged down with a weight and cloudiness like I’d never known before.  The truth was, I didn’t know who I was anymore.  My education had always provided a means of understanding myself.  Now, all that was gone.  Life seemed bereft of true meaning.  How did people go on, wake up every morning, when they worked meaningless jobs just to survive?  I had grown up in a largely working class city, and I knew the difficulties that people around me faced.  It felt like the forces of the world I had learned about in college – institutionalized oppression, classism, racism, just to name a few, were impossible to challenge or overcome.

I knew I had to start taking care of myself.  I’d studied Tibetan Buddhist philosophy and meditation during my time at Smith College, and even went abroad to Sarnath, India, to deepen my study.  Yet for all my intellectual understanding and interest in Buddhist philosophy and meditation, I’d never been able to develop a consistent practice. It took becoming so lost, so deep within myself, to reach out.  

At first, meditation was uncomfortable.  I started with 10 to 20 minutes a day.  If I meditated without guidance, I often felt fear and anxiety surface in my consciousness.  Sometimes, I’d literally jump in my seat.  I understand, now, that this was a reflection of my own mind.  I lived in constant fear, and constant anxiety of where I was going.  So I turned to guided meditations, which helped direct my thoughts more positively.  When I began to see the way that I could soothe my battered mind, I used guided sleep meditations to help me fall asleep on the nights that anxiety kept me up.  Soon enough, I was able to have more peaceful, self-guided meditations.

It wasn’t long after I began, that I had my first vision.  I was lying on my couch, listening to binaural beats for meditation.  I fell into an unconscious state, one between waking and dreaming. I was lying on my couch, just as I was in the physical world.  There was something very large, and very loud, approaching my apartment.  A plane was able to collide with the building.  I would most certainly die.  But the craziest thing was that I wasn’t afraid.  Everything was destroyed in slow-motion.  The building fell and burst into flames.  I witnessed my body disintegrate in a matter of seconds.

But I was still there.  My body was gone, but my consciousness was still there –  vibrant, strong, resilient, and eternal, and full of peace.  I was so beautiful, and so strong above the flames. I felt such a wave of knowing relief.  I would never die.  Even if my body passed, my consciousness was forever.

 

“The embodied soul is eternal in existence, indestructible, and infinite…” – Krishna, the Bhagavad Gita

 

Slowly, the world seemed full of possibility.  Not only was I eternal, powerful, and worthy, and so was every soul around me, too.

I began to find my strength again, my will to live.  I began to search for a sense of purpose. I wanted to help others heal.  I realized that my abilities were never intended to cause me pain, but rather to wake me up.  

Letting Go of Good and Bad

I believe that one of the ideas, or modes of thinking, that often stops us from spiritual peace is the categorization of good and bad.  “I had a bad day” “That was a bad experience” “A bad relationship” “A bad place”…

Because we are ascribing energy to an experience.  What is, in essence, truly neutral, becomes charged with our ideas, our emotion, our meaning.  This is the beginning of the illusion of “karma”: the attachment to a moment, a place, or event, so much so, that that moment, that trauma, or that experience, rules us across space and time.  It becomes charged with energy, so powerful it can make us think we are separate from God.

The egoic mind attempts to categorize, organize, put life into patterns.  It attempts to understand phenomenon it was never built to understand.  It creates internal narratives of who we are, what we have been through, and what is yet to come.  In truth, life is simple, it is only our minds that try and tell us otherwise, and we are the only ones that decide what is yet to come.

I used to think that detaching from emotion and mind meant that I would feel nothing.  I imagined a senseless, thoughtless, entirely unattached state of being.  I imagined the Buddha never having thoughts, or conflict of emotion.  Over time, I’ve become to realize that this is not true.  As long as we’re in this dimension having a human experience, we will have thoughts, reactions, and even judgments.  True mastery isn’t having an empty mind, it’s letting go of those reactions as they come.  It’s not identifying with temporary phenomena, it’s letting them fly like the wind.

In Hindu iconography, many of the Gods and Goddesses are pictured atop wild beasts.  For example, Durga can be seen riding a tiger, and Shiva rides atop his bull.  What these animals symbolize is the wild and uncontrollable parts of our mind.  When we practice self mastery, we ride atop the tiger like Durga.  When we cannot master our emotions, the tiger rides us.  The same symbolism can be seen in the Major Arcana of the Rider Waite Tarot, Number 8, Strength, where a woman fearlessly holds the mouth of a lion.

At the same time, there may always be a part of the “monkey” mind, the wild beast, the ego within, that is triggered, reacts, judges, or attempts to categorize.  This is natural, and in fact, it is natural we will have times we cannot master!  After all, we are human, and part of our experience is making mistakes.  Sometimes, we’re not ready to let go, and that’s okay.

The ego, “the beast”, the “monkey” mind rules you just as strongly if you are trying to force it into submission, forcing yourself forward, forcing yourself to let go.  It is like forcing a storm out of the sky.

Surrender – surrender to your experience, love your experience, even if it’s not what you think you should be having.  Love it, honor it, as all aspects of the divine.  When you are terrified, when you are smiling, when you are triggered, when you are dancing, all these expressions of you are utterly divine.

 

I AM THAT I AM

I AM is your universal declaration.  It is your claim of being here and now.  It is the statement of sovereignty and freedom, within and without, a bold proclamation of consciousness:

I AM the eternal moment.  I am radiant bliss.  I am the sun and moon, the stars and the sky.  I am mountain, sea, and forest, wind, water, air and fire.  I am magic, Magician and Alchemist.  I am the child.  I am the elder.  I am the Fool and the Sage.

I am a spark of the infinite consciousness, and whatever I WILL, I create.

I AM the universe, the beginning and end, the alpha and omega.  I am the captain, the ship and the sea.   I am endless.  I am all possibility.  I am far more vast than what can be seen.  I am multidimensional.  My consciousness dances across immeasurable realities.

I AM whole.  I am incarnate.  I chose to love this imperfect life – in all its swings, its swirls, and in all its wonderful madness.

I AM a multitude.  I am truth, and I am lies.  I am the light and darkness.  I am dreams and fears.  I am separation, and I am unity.  There is nothing outside of me.  ALL IS ONE.  Nothing can break me or destroy me.  I am made of many colors, shades, and layers.  I AM prime creator, the Great Artist, intricate and majestic.

I did not incarnate to suffer, but rather to experience, the glory of ALL THAT I AM.