Notes on a Mad Love Affair

What a madman – stretching

the strings of my heart

across his body, across

his fragmented mind

 

he judges me still, I know

in there

 

I can still feel him tossing me about.

 

I’m on trial.  One moment he decides

I’m innocent.  The next

I hear the deadly proclamation –

 

guilty.

 

I feel him in my mind when I’m dreaming.

 

Maybe we are not so apart.

 

Maybe – just maybe –

we deserve each other, after all –

who has these kind of secret

telepathic

love affairs?

 

He’s dreaming

I’m yearning

and he still can’t decide…

 

I love him.

He is flawed.

So am I.

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What a Sweet Surprise to Love You As I do

 

For a man with Asperger’s

 

Six months apart

and I’ve never felt closer to you

images of you

weave into my heart

you were so lovely

when you were twenty two –

lovelier, still, when you came to me

 

you will be lovely, too

when your hair is cast in gray

deep wrinkles set about your eyes,

sweet lips entrenched in time

 

I love you most when you are hurting

when you curl your knees into your chest

when you hide your feelings from me,

when you don’t let anybody in

 

I love you, too

when you bring me to the trees

and teach me how to speak with them,

 

you taught me the tongue of the butterflies.

 

I love you even when you’re so lost

in a puzzle, in a game –

when your mind won’t cease its thoughts,

and I don’t hear from you for days.

Surrender

She was learning

that it’s okay to say no –

time to let go

of all her burdens

 

casting down the heavy weight

of all that came before,

she put down her armor and sword

they were the means by which

she had fought and conquered,

but there were no more battles to be won

 

it was lovely

to cast herself to the mighty wind

and in the sky she was promised

a new beginning,

a life on a foreign shore…

 

the river led the way

and she learned to move with its grace

upon the changes of life, she made no resistance –

she learned to release, just as easily as she obtained

she closed her eyes and knew she was

a fragment of the divine

 

just as much as she loved

herself she loved all beings

through the trials and unknowing,

she went on,

with no armor, no sword, no weaponry.

Momentum

They were charged with hot

electrical momentum –

two fires that raged in the night

one after another they fell

in passion and desire

swept with madness across each other’s lives

 

he was like the ram,

powerful and alive

and she loved like a lion in the dark

howling for each other

breath upon breath,

their bodies swayed in a newfound trance

 

as they loved

their oceans burst together

rivers surged and forests burned with need,

will against will,

heart becoming one –

they fought their battles with unconditional love

 

wherever they went

death followed their steps,

the old ways died and their old lives

fell

cities crashed

one by one on the horizon,

as the transformers reshaped the world in their dance

 

they bore one other

along the bones and broken dreams,

their bodies transfixed with mighty wonder –

 

there came the wings

borne across each other’s backs –

wings that promised of another chance.

My First Experiences With Psychedelics

Hello all,

I’ve felt guided recently to talk about my experiences with psychedelics – what I learned, what I saw, and what I gained.  For me, using psychedelics was primarily a medicinal and spiritual experience.  My spiritual healing path had begun in ardor about a year before, after I had been in a profoundly spiritual relationship that “opened the door” so to say.  I felt that I’d had enough experience with meditation at that point to handle whatever might come up – the good and the bad.  I’d had previous opportunities to try psychedelics, but I’d never felt ready.

It was important for me to feel comfortable and understand what I was going to experience before I went into it.  I had decided on LSD based on the recommendations of several people I trusted.  The first time I tried LSD, I was very conservative about the dosage – because I wanted to get a gauge of how it would affect me.  Trying a half tab of LSD was about the equivalent of what I’d experienced after a very deep meditation.  I knew then that taking more was going to get bring me to an awareness I’d never experienced before.

For my second experience, I was with my partner at the time and felt very comfortable.  I tried one tab, but didn’t feel much.  I then proceeded to take a second tab, and several hours later, went on to have another.

I ended up “being gone” for almost 24 hours.

I always begin by meditating to put myself in a deep state of observance and connection.  The first thing I noticed was an increase in the sharpness and vividness of images I was seeing.  I am primarily visual in meditation as is, but with the medicine I noticed the images became more “3D.” Sometimes, in regular meditation, the images seem like they’re coming through a weak signal: quick flashes of places, people or things, that are not always clear.  All of a sudden it seemed like these visions were right in front of me.  When I opened my eyes, I noticed a wide array of patterns on my ceiling.  It was like pyramids and faces and aspects of consciousness were drawn upon my walls.  And with all of it came a sense of lightness: it was all giddy and amusing.

My partner led me to the window and when I looked at the trees outside, I saw the most amazing patterns within them.  There were structures and people and all kinds of shapes woven into the moving of the trees.  I had a profound sense that this was, in fact, “true seeing” – that these patterns and this divine artwork is in fact always there.  It was simply marvelous just to look at the trees, at the amazing consciousness that was woven within them.  I felt surrounded, engulfed by the divine presence.

Then something very interesting began to happen.  I went to use the restroom and my partner was talking to me.  I began to notice that the conversation was no longer linear.  I was familiar with the theory of timelines, and something within me always knew it was true.  I believed that there were many versions of us, across many multidimensional facets of expression.  But now I was experiencing it, as my partner spoke to me, there were several conversations going on.  One moment, he was asking me a simple question, the next, he was going on about some deep philosophical topic, the next moment he was asking me if I wanted to take a shower, the next moment he was asking me if I was okay.

You would think at this point I would be terrified, and if I didn’t have a spiritual background, I probably would have been.  But I was filled with laughter and joy because my spirit understood very quickly that I was speaking to my partner across time and space.  I was experiencing many versions of him, all intersecting at once.  There were in fact, many of him speaking to me, and there were many conversations we were having.

“I think I’m experiencing different timelines!” I remember saying to him with glee.

I do not know how long I spent simply enjoying this realization.  We laid together on my bed and continued speaking.  Now that I was aware what was happening, the changes were becoming more apparent – and not only were we having multiple conversations, there were multiple versions of him appearing to me.  I stared at his face and watched as one moment he was laughing, and then crying, and then thoughtful.  Sometimes, the color and length of his hair would change.  In one expression his hair became very red, then changed back to its usual brown.  It was a surreal experience, to see the tears coming down his cheeks, go to comfort him and wipe them away, and then watch them disappear before my eyes.  He would become concerned, and then intellectual, be very worried about me being okay – and then nonchalant.  I could not tell which version of him was the “ground” version so to say.

“Is that you?” “Is that you?” I kept saying.  “Do you remember the last conversation we just had?”

Not only was it him flashing before my eyes, but there were other energies, and other aspects, that moved through the fold.  I was able to sense intuitively when it was another energy passing through his body.

“Ask me three questions, and I will answer them fully.”

“Who are you?” I said.

“My name is Truth,” the entity said.  “Whatever you desire to know, I may answer.”

But before I had a chance, the energies moved into another expression.  At times, the conversations were going so quickly, I couldn’t do much but observe.

At one point, my partner’s body became entirely dark, and was tattooed with various golden symbols that were imbued with a profound meaning.  Visions and epiphanies would come to my mind instantly.  When I saw this expression of my partner, I was aware this was a higher dimensional version of himself.  This being was beautiful.  He showed me his true grand body in space.  He showed me that each tattoo was an entrance into another reality, another universe held in his fold.

I also had several epiphanies and visions related to the nature of the universe.  I understood immediately, and also saw visually, that the universe is a game of perspective.  I understood that I am a fractal within myself within myself, enfolding like a Russian doll onto eternity.  I was also given the visual of a complex telescope, much like an eye exam machine, where there were various optical perspectives and choices.  One could simply move the lens, and have an entirely different experience.  Moving between the dimensions is much like moving the lens.

I experimented with channeling Reiki energy through my hands and the energy was very physical.  It contorted and twisted my fingers as my body freely moved in accordance with the energy.  I also played with Light Language and saw the structures of consciousness the universal tongue was creating.  I saw visuals of a great stadium being built, and a dragon forming and spiraling and rising.  I understood then that Light Language is related to the power of creation.

I was in this state for some time before I returned to linear reality.  Once I was grounded back in this space-time, me and my partner took a walk outside.  The colors of the sky and trees were amazingly vivid.  Everyone we passed on the street seemed familiar somehow – gazing in the window at the shops of Hudson’s Main Street, all the objects we saw seemed embedded with a profound meaning.

It was like experiencing synchronicity ten fold.

Watching a river was beautiful, even the insects flying in the air had a wondrous harmony.  I was able to perceive the rhythmic way that they moved.  I felt profoundly sensitive to all phenomena.  It was like the separation between me and the physical world was removed.  In general, I would describe my experiences with psychedelics in this way: the veil is dropped.  The illusion of separation created by the ego simply goes away.  One feels a profound bliss in their body, a vivid, sensual joy at mere existence, at simply “being”.

When we returned to my apartment, the final stage of my first experience occurred: purging.  Out of nowhere, I felt very tired, and very ill, as if I could vomit.  I knew it was not necessarily physical, but energetic.  There was something trying to move through me, and out of me.  I returned to my bed and began to meditate, and the tears began.

Really, I had already been crying for hours.  I had laughed and cried with abandon during the whole of the experience.  But now I was crying with release.  Something was reaching into my depths, something was moving my old “crap” out.

There was so much guilt, and so much shame.  My obsessive thinking and anxiety came immediately to the surface.  With it came a profound visionary experience.  I was seeing a series of broken, fragmented images: broken skulls and dead bodies.  I was relating this all to my partner, and he guided me through the experience.

I was seeing battles, and the carnage of battle, knowing this was the battle within myself.  Veronica pitted against Veronica, sword against sword.  I had waged war against myself, forced myself forward, viciously fought against my own weakness.  This was the war within my mind, and it was going nowhere.  I began to walk among the carnage, the distortion, the death….and I saw a small doll that was tied to a post.  A great being slowly unbound the doll and took it into her arms.

The doll was me.

But I was also this great being, this goliath that had appeared before me.  She was an armored leviathan with Anubian features (jackal headed, dark), and a strong, quiet grace.  She was covered in gold symbols – and she was so, so powerful.  She was holding me.

I was holding myself.

I realized the doll represented all the bondage I had felt, and now I was free – I loved myself – I loved myself so much in that moment.  And I saw myself begin to move in a dark world covered in bones and skulls.  It was the world of the dead – and I was wearing a dark cloak, carrying a solitary lantern.

“What do you do in the world in the dead?  Give your guide a coin.”

My partner guided me with such love and compassion through these moments.  I spent some time in the land of the dead.  Then I began to notice that behind me, the skeletons had begun to reanimate.  They were given life again, and were following like a new found army.  They were dancing with joy and liberation.

I watched as the newly born skeletons danced their way to an Asian landscape.  There were great mountains all around and they approached a temple.  When the door opened, a white dancing being greeted them and me.  This being had a Cambodian-like crown upon his head.  He was adorned with jewels and a smiling face, and he was full of zest.  I knew somehow in my heart that he was me as well.

The dancing figure and the Anubian guard came together.  They showed me the nature of my being.  The Anubian guard stood on the left, and the Dancer stood at the right.  Like a deck of cards unfolding, or a series of photos passed back to back, I saw and understood that I was only one Veronica among many.  I was one photo in the great deck, and these beings were higher versions of myself, keepers of the many emanations.

My partner called these beings the Heralds.  The name that I received from them was the Gatekeepers.  I am not sure how they relate to the higher self or the oversoul, but I had the feeling they were the part of me directly “above” all my physical incarnations.  Perhaps in this sense they could be synonymous with the oversoul, but I suppose the terminology doesn’t matter.

When I eventually returned to this reality, my mind was clear.  My skin glowed and appeared more youthful for some time.  I felt an overall decrease in anxiety and a sense of connection.  I was calm and grounded.

It was deeply healing for me to experience such a connection with the source and with the power of my own creativity.  It confirmed many things for me but over time has helped permanently ease a lot of suffering and pain.  It felt much like going “home” again.

 

 

 

 

Longing

I feel you in the winter wind,

I hear your voice as I lay

my head to sleep, wondering –

when you might come home again.

 

I have never had a love

touch me as deep as this –

lay inside my heart

and unfold its caress

 

I have never been so free

as when the ghost of you

walks with me in tender dreams,

and tells me of all that you might be

king sovereign

loving lord,

beloved

inside, and outside of me –  

 

hold me

because I do not think I can

bear it all –

knowing what you are to me,

and waiting…

 

but I tell you,

I would wait a thousand lives

for the chance to embrace you

one more time

 

you are longing,

on the inside of me

I feel your cries, your gentle

wondering

 

I am here,

I am not moving.

Stay inside.

Taking Flight

In his eyes

I find

my horizon,

the truths that linger

between seen and unseen

 

I find him in the setting sun

when the world

rises into another

 

there are other places

awaiting in the apex

of dreams

this world – a dream

as any other

 

when I walk by the water I feel the all pervading presence

I am one with the eternal being,

and he is there beside me, one with me

inside me,

in his eyes I find

I awaken

 

the waters tremble and give way to new realities

I am more myself

than I have ever been,

free in his arms

liberated in his embrace

I am one with the all pervading sum,

equations

and truths are born inside of me,

the plants of his seed give way

to new life

 

I am made in his breath,

taking flight.