Candid Thoughts on Being a Medium

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It took me a while to accept that I was a medium.  I had a stereotypical picture in my mind of what being a medium was.  I didn’t hear the voices of the dead when I was in a grocery store, or speak to anyone’s deceased grandma and grandpa.

We have all mediumship abilities.  We all have psychic abilities.  I believe that the true state of humanity is one of subtle and energetic awareness.  Everyone is capable of opening and connecting with these pathways.  For some of us, it takes more work.  Many go through some sort of spiritual awakening process.  But everyone carries the seed.  The potential is inside each of us, like a plant just waiting for soil and sun.

Mediums are often thought of communicating with the dead, and that can certainly be an aspect of it.  For me, mediumship means I receive communication from aspects of consciousness that aren’t visible to the human eye.  It could be the recently deceased, but it could also be from other dimensions, life forms in other time spaces, future you’s, future me’s, higher selves, spirit guides, other beings or the universe itself.

Perhaps a more appropriate word is a channel, or a bridge between the physical world and the unseen.

Of course, it is an illusion that such a bridge is needed.  In reality, we are all already one.  But I recognize the need for some terminologies in an illusion of separation.  We are playing a game of consciousness and perception with one another.

Often times, when I am speaking with other people, I receive information about them beyond what I’d be able to gauge with only the five senses.  I am able to see, or I am shown, the energies around them and their situations.  I get intuitive, “gut” feelings, about what might help them, or how to clear what’s blocking them.  I am also sensitive to energetic shifts in the collective.  During major times of transition, I can pick up what’s happening in the universe at large.  I often receive visions, or intuitive knowings, about the changes coming about for the collective.  Sometimes, these transitions can be quite dense, other times, they are exciting and refreshing.  Other times, I get uncanny sensations, difficult to “put a finger on” that we’ve made a major timeline shift, or shift in perspective.

At times, this awareness can be overwhelming.  There are many people with psychic abilities who attempt to numb out, or ground themselves, with addictions and substances.  I’ve had to learn to take care of myself.  This is one of the bittersweet aspects of being sensitive to energy.  If I don’t take time for self care, I can easily get pulled down by other’s peoples energies, difficulties, and constructs.  I am often most comfortable on my own, though I certainly have an extroverted side, too.  I am still learning how to make good boundaries, maintain a healthy regimen, and keep myself in a strong, stable vibration.  I believe that what a medium, or a sensitive, perceives, is connected with their own state of consciousness.  When I am vibrating high (feeling happy, healthy, secure, and one with the universe) I am more apt to see the strength, resilience, and utter miracle in every human I meet.  I find I am able to act as a clear conduit, and energies pass right through me.  But if I am going through something, shifting, releasing, having a dark night of the soul (which is part of the healing, or ascension process), what I see reflected back to me is much denser.  People’s stuff can “stick” onto me, and if I’m not doing well, this entanglement can last several days.  I try not think of this as either a “negative” or “positive” thing, though I’ve certainly had my struggles with it.  It simply is, and I’ve done my best to respect, love, and honor it.

When I meditate, I regularly encounter beings, energies, and intelligent consciousnesses from the subtle realms and higher dimensions.  Sometimes, they come so clear to me it’s like watching HDTV.  Recently, I had a vision of Krishna that was like seeing him in front of me.  He had beautiful, sparking skin and a radiant, joyous smile.  Other times, the visions are less clear.  They can come to me in black and white, or almost as if they are over a cloudy signal.  I also receive information that’s typically thought of as originating in the Akashic Record, or the theoretical “library of the universe”.  I am able to connect with past lives, or you might say “past” and “future” selves (I put these terms in parenthesis because past and future do not really exist.  Everything is happening concurrently in a now moment).  If I meditate on a person, I am able to see their past incarnations as well, which typically is relevant to their healing process.

I can be influenced by other people’s thoughts, patterns, and perceptions, sometimes without my awareness.  I’ve gotten better at being able to tell whether it’s truly me, or the person at the other end of the cord.  You see, when two people form a relationship, they form energetic cords with each other, and when you are sensitive, you can feel the other person “tugging the cord”.  For example, you may have an ex partner thinking about reaching out to you and rekindling a relationship.  You may not have any knowledge of this in the physical, but you start to think of them too, and may even start to think of reaching out to them as a consequence of their own thought-processes.

Trippy, huh?

I think that the universe is trippy, but really, it’s not just “mediums” or “sensitives” or “empaths” that are affected by these energies.  I’ve met and encountered some mediums and psychics that think they’re better than other people just because they have these abilities.  Realistically, everyone is affected by energy, and everyone is tapped into it.  Whether we know it or not, we are all bound in the vast internet of information that creates and sustains the universe.  I used to think I was crazy.  Hell, sometimes I still think I’m crazy.  But I want people to know that life is far more than the physical.  Our minds have the incredible, and seemingly inexplicable, ability to exist across multiple layers of creation and perception.

 

 

 

 

 

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How Meditation Changed My Life

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There was something about loosing the crutch of education, the crutch of structure, that rattled me to the core after graduating from college.  I no longer had a place to direct my mind, my thoughts. No distractions.  There was no longer homework to stress over, papers, finals. I was alone – all alone, with my mind for the first time in my life.

Working life was wholly dissatisfying.  I was working a temp job data entry, paid twelve dollars an hour for monotonous, robotic labor.  I spent my weekends winding down from the forty hour work week, never feeling quite recovered, feeling like I was like gaining just enough energy to do it all again.  I was beginning to see that my relationship with my partner was not an entirely healthy one.  We fought constantly, and our apartment became the center of our emotional melodrama.

All the while, my psychic abilities were opening up.

I’d always known I was empathic, able to feel and discern the emotions of others.  But deeper senses were unraveling.  I was becoming aware of my ability to see the things that people tried to hide.  When they spoke to me, it was like their energy drew lines around their pain, their trauma, their unspoken wounds. It was like watching a spiritual Sketch-O-Matic in motion.  At first, I didn’t understand why I was seeing it.  I became aware of the shadows, the silent darkness in everyone.  It became difficult at times to go out or spend time with others.  I tried to numb myself, with food, with relationships.  Even the lightest conversation became fraught with this shadow energy.

I became depressed.  The world seemed bogged down with a weight and cloudiness like I’d never known before.  The truth was, I didn’t know who I was anymore.  My education had always provided a means of understanding myself.  Now, all that was gone.  Life seemed bereft of true meaning.  How did people go on, wake up every morning, when they worked meaningless jobs just to survive?  I had grown up in a largely working class city, and I knew the difficulties that people around me faced.  It felt like the forces of the world I had learned about in college – institutionalized oppression, classism, racism, just to name a few, were impossible to challenge or overcome.

I knew I had to start taking care of myself.  I’d studied Tibetan Buddhist philosophy and meditation during my time at Smith College, and even went abroad to Sarnath, India, to deepen my study.  Yet for all my intellectual understanding and interest in Buddhist philosophy and meditation, I’d never been able to develop a consistent practice. It took becoming so lost, so deep within myself, to reach out.  

At first, meditation was uncomfortable.  I started with 10 to 20 minutes a day.  If I meditated without guidance, I often felt fear and anxiety surface in my consciousness.  Sometimes, I’d literally jump in my seat.  I understand, now, that this was a reflection of my own mind.  I lived in constant fear, and constant anxiety of where I was going.  So I turned to guided meditations, which helped direct my thoughts more positively.  When I began to see the way that I could soothe my battered mind, I used guided sleep meditations to help me fall asleep on the nights that anxiety kept me up.  Soon enough, I was able to have more peaceful, self-guided meditations.

It wasn’t long after I began, that I had my first vision.  I was lying on my couch, listening to binaural beats for meditation.  I fell into an unconscious state, one between waking and dreaming. I was lying on my couch, just as I was in the physical world.  There was something very large, and very loud, approaching my apartment.  A plane was able to collide with the building.  I would most certainly die.  But the craziest thing was that I wasn’t afraid.  Everything was destroyed in slow-motion.  The building fell and burst into flames.  I witnessed my body disintegrate in a matter of seconds.

But I was still there.  My body was gone, but my consciousness was still there –  vibrant, strong, resilient, and eternal, and full of peace.  I was so beautiful, and so strong above the flames. I felt such a wave of knowing relief.  I would never die.  Even if my body passed, my consciousness was forever.

 

“The embodied soul is eternal in existence, indestructible, and infinite…” – Krishna, the Bhagavad Gita

 

Slowly, the world seemed full of possibility.  Not only was I eternal, powerful, and worthy, and so was every soul around me, too.

I began to find my strength again, my will to live.  I began to search for a sense of purpose. I wanted to help others heal.  I realized that my abilities were never intended to cause me pain, but rather to wake me up.  

A Poem, For My Beloved

I loved him in the time of storms, the time of reckoning –

when the horn of Gabriel resounded over Heaven and Earth

Angels walked among men, and men among the Angels

it was the long awaited time of ancient prophecy

 

I loved him when it seemed the world would fall into disaster

when the earthquakes ravaged the land and the oceans rose,

when humankind did not know whether they would live or die forever

he was just like those storms –

furious, consuming, the energy of a thousand places

ruptured before my eyes when I beheld him

Man and God Goddess Creator

 

I saw him in my dreams and the astral planes

the visions of the all the lives I had forgotten,

I remembered him in the parallel realities

he was man and woman, unrivaled in beauty –

he became my Shiva when he danced.

He tore into the fabric of reality

destroyed and created with the swerve of his hips

he was Parvati, Durga, Kali come alive,

with the sweet gift of the beginning and the end.

 

I died, and took my first breath

in his sweet arms, surrendered to the tantra of his love

Kali’s dark and loving hands

He was her, and she was me,

I was him and he was me,

I remembered what I was, the glory of who I was

God Goddess Divine, Mother and Queen

 

My King is lovely, free as wind and water,

sharp witted and stubborn eyed

shy and reclusive, gentle and wise

formed in boundless, indefinable love

 

All it took was gazing into his eyes,

to remember that we are One.

 

 

 

 

 

Come As You Are

Beloved–

come just as you are

for I am longing to adore you

with flowers in your hair

and love upon your cheeks

I entreat you–

rest your weariness upon me

for my arms were made for yours,

my heart shaped to love yours.

 

Come again

and pierce my sight

with those sharp eyes of the north

your gaze as quick as oceans

as wise as the Earth,

wondrous, like the spheres of heaven.

 

You are lofty, like a dream

brilliant in mind and soul

come again, my love, come again…

find me filled with love

my flowers bloom with sweet nectar

my rivers swell with milk and honey

 

if all of nature

plays in our sweet symphony–

shall we dance?

My love, shall we not dance?

Letting Go of Good and Bad

I believe that one of the ideas, or modes of thinking, that often stops us from spiritual peace is the categorization of good and bad.  “I had a bad day” “That was a bad experience” “A bad relationship” “A bad place”…

Because we are ascribing energy to an experience.  What is, in essence, truly neutral, becomes charged with our ideas, our emotion, our meaning.  This is the beginning of the illusion of “karma”: the attachment to a moment, a place, or event, so much so, that that moment, that trauma, or that experience, rules us across space and time.  It becomes charged with energy, so powerful it can make us think we are separate from God.

The egoic mind attempts to categorize, organize, put life into patterns.  It attempts to understand phenomenon it was never built to understand.  It creates internal narratives of who we are, what we have been through, and what is yet to come.  In truth, life is simple, it is only our minds that try and tell us otherwise, and we are the only ones that decide what is yet to come.

I used to think that detaching from emotion and mind meant that I would feel nothing.  I imagined a senseless, thoughtless, entirely unattached state of being.  I imagined the Buddha never having thoughts, or conflict of emotion.  Over time, I’ve become to realize that this is not true.  As long as we’re in this dimension having a human experience, we will have thoughts, reactions, and even judgments.  True mastery isn’t having an empty mind, it’s letting go of those reactions as they come.  It’s not identifying with temporary phenomena, it’s letting them fly like the wind.

In Hindu iconography, many of the Gods and Goddesses are pictured atop wild beasts.  For example, Durga can be seen riding a tiger, and Shiva rides atop his bull.  What these animals symbolize is the wild and uncontrollable parts of our mind.  When we practice self mastery, we ride atop the tiger like Durga.  When we cannot master our emotions, the tiger rides us.  The same symbolism can be seen in the Major Arcana of the Rider Waite Tarot, Number 8, Strength, where a woman fearlessly holds the mouth of a lion.

At the same time, there may always be a part of the “monkey” mind, the wild beast, the ego within, that is triggered, reacts, judges, or attempts to categorize.  This is natural, and in fact, it is natural we will have times we cannot master!  After all, we are human, and part of our experience is making mistakes.  Sometimes, we’re not ready to let go, and that’s okay.

The ego, “the beast”, the “monkey” mind rules you just as strongly if you are trying to force it into submission, forcing yourself forward, forcing yourself to let go.  It is like forcing a storm out of the sky.

Surrender – surrender to your experience, love your experience, even if it’s not what you think you should be having.  Love it, honor it, as all aspects of the divine.  When you are terrified, when you are smiling, when you are triggered, when you are dancing, all these expressions of you are utterly divine.